@gerryhatric

A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.

He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.

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@smashbrown_

Gas prices have me feeling like I’m robbing the gas station. “Just leave, before they change their mind.”

@sonictyrant

Sloth Dad: i got some fireworks to celebrate your birthday

Sloth Son: um dad my birthday is four months away

Sloth Dad: okay I’m lighting them get ready to run

@Notoliviasteel

“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not

@difficultpatty

[Restaurant]

Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.

Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?

Me: Still call it a salad though.

@heidi420x

I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.

@juliussharpe

At the coffee shop, I saw a German guy reading the first few pages of a book about WWII and smiling. Keep reading, buddy. Keep reading.

@lilgapeach30

I dance in my car, unashamed, in hopes of one day driving beside somebody as fun as me and sparking a dance off.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510

@NervousJr

There’s awkward, and then there’s listening to a man try to have a conversation with his hairdresser.