A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
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Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.