A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
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Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Hot wings have killed many people starting with a dude named Icarus.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.