[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
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Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*