A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
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[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?
I do. Now.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
☠️☠️☠️
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.