Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!

Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.

I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face

She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.

Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.

Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.

I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me

I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.

you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:

“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”

well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:

“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”

BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.

If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.

No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!

*throws cat at Kinko’s employee

I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.

From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”

Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.

I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.

love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here

Never ghost your hitman.

I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.

I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”

Commercial for Twitter:

“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”

Don’t get angry…

…get pizza.

Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.

Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?

“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”

I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.

Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no

Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies

Saturday

When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter

I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”

When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard

My second thought is virgin wizard