A man who you’ve known since birth running into you on the street alone: “This is Mr. Lee.”
Me: “Yes, hi!”
Him: “Lex’s dad.”
Me: “Yes.”
Him: “And Jenny’s dad.”
Me: “No, yeah. I got it”
Him: “Your dad’s frie-“
You Might Also Like
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*