A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot![]()
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I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
meow
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Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
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Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
This is sending me to another galaxy
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Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?