CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
A manual RT is like saying “Hey check out this guy, but keep looking at my face. Please…don’t ever stop looking at my face…”
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Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
[At Wedding Ceremony]
Me: [Distributing my visiting cards] I’m a divorce lawyer
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.