@RalphSudafed

A manual RT is like saying “Hey check out this guy, but keep looking at my face. Please…don’t ever stop looking at my face…”

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@KalvinMacleod

[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know

@Thedudish

Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.

@panmidwest

[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]

wife: what’s he doing

me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family

her: what is it

me: i… just… told you?

@genepompa

Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up

@Jerrypleasure

[At Wedding Ceremony]

Me: [Distributing my visiting cards] I’m a divorce lawyer

@AaronFullerton

I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”

@mommajessiec

Husband: *bleeding*

Me: *calling 911*

Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.

@deardilettante

I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.

@OfficialMizGin

Years ago I went to a job placement agency.

I left disappointed.

Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.