A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog
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The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Everyone thinks they’re brave right up until a goose starts chasing them.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Well if this doesn’t sum up 2024 perfectly I don’t know what does
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Hang in there buddy
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.