A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog
You Might Also Like
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
apple needs to start giving headphones for free again because if i have to hear that “oh no no no” tiktok audio out loud on the train again im gonna start tying people to the train tracks
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
