A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog
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My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Good morning, Twitter 😊
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
This bar smells like my childhood.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Born to be mild.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita