A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
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legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
When can I start eating bats again.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
we must combat the global scourge of underage baking
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”