A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
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Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me
Breaking news:
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
At ease
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
can’t wait til they legalize outside