Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house

Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…

…for the 22nd time.

Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce

Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’

me: i need directions please

stranger: you need to go north and –

me: left or right

stranger: it’s a little more complex than that

me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT

“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds

I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.

I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.

Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.

For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.

Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby

[puppy farm]

PUPPY: Crops look good this year

Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.

Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.

“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom

Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?

I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?

2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭

Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.

3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?

I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”

My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.

Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”

Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.

*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”

brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]

If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.

I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.

me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry

her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-

me: I mean I’ll do anything

her: I just said you can lis-

me: anything at all

Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.

What do you call an upset reindeer?

Caribou-hoo.

*Ba-dum-tsss