A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
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This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.