Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would never let MY child act like that.

-things my friends without kids say.

It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.

if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked

My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.

Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.

Her: No, I never have….

Me: I asked you not to tell me that.

Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.

I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.

[ouija board]
“helo??”
ＹＯＵＲ… ＳＰＩＲＩＴ…
“shh its working”
ＷＩＬＬ… ＡＰＰＥＡＲ…
“omg”
ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”

A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours

I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia

Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.

i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot

They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people

Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”

Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.

Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom

Snape: omg same

my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue

For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic

I call my period Shark week.

I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere

I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.

*sips iced coffee*

man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately

*has another iced coffee*

I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night

*chugs redbull*

my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare

*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*

seems fine

Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.

The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.

If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.

ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.

THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.

ME: Show your enemy two quarters.

“Why the hell wooden I be?”

– Pinocchio

Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.

Blocked: 1985

If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”