Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand

Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.

[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*

[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*

Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.

Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!

My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!

I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.

“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”

*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*

Brain: eat that entire pizza

Stomach: please don’t

Me: *eats pizza*

Stomach: i hurt so much

Me: i feel sick

Brain: eat that dessert

Me: okay

Stomach: oh my god

Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain

There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.

You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.

What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over

Me: the warrant probably

Officer: you have a broken- what

Me: what

Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.

Married with Children was much funnier on TV.

God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years

Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.

Idiots

[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts

There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.

me: salt rim please.
barista: what.

Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes

museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them

Tremendous stuff

mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates

The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.

ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon

If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”

me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome

blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?

me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course

Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house

Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.

Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.

Satan: What’s that?

God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.

Satan: I see. *invents screaming*

God: lol good one!