Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf

me: do you serve crabs here?

waiter: yes, we do

my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally

Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”

lumberjacks will cut a birch

Someone: he doesn’t look so good.

Someone else: we have to say the magic words!

Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…

Me: *slowly rises from the dead*

I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.

“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”

– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.

I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.

Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.

I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!

Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem

So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”

I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are

[ first day in retail]

me: can i help you find something

customer: im just window shopping

me: we don’t sell those

Open for business, 24/7

~my stomach

My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.

Day 1 of diet:

forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.

“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.

And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold

“the hills are alive”

“OH MY GOD HEAD FOR THE OH NOOOO I MEAN HEAD AWAY FROM THE”

“with the sound of music”

“OH GOD THE HILLS ARE GOING TO EAT US AND ALSO THEY ARE SINGING RUN FASTER!!!!”

5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.

One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.

I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.

Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.

My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions

Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*

McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.

your honor my client chooses dare

I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!

*Snowstorm on it’s way*

America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!

Canadians – better hit the beer store.