Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Medical form: Height?

Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.

Medical form: Sex?

Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.

I saw instructions in a mens restroom on how to wash your hands properly. How stupid is that? As if men read instructions

*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*

*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN

Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-

God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.

Worm: I mean that’s fair.

[Centipede crawls by]

Worm:

God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.

Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples

I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night

that lettuce in your fridge is now a souvenir

Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.

“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not

Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”

I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.

You’re not meant to sit on them.

[Family of lizards]

Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings

Little lizard: ahem

Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance

The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.

Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.

Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.

me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:

Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse

SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best!

[Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea

one time in med school I lost my pokemon coffee thermos in the hospital so I retraced my steps but couldn’t find it and I got sad so I went to the cafeteria for a cookie and the clerk was like “haha I like ur thermos” and I looked down and guess what I was holding the entire time

Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.

Me: You want me to save the titanic too?

(3:12am)

My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face

Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you

Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute

[arguing with friend about chemistry]

*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?

Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is “redacted”

KID: ████████

JUDGE: correct

me: when is the last time you had a bath?

4: tomorrow

TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’

I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.

The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen

I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.