A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
You Might Also Like
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
I was visiting my parents yesterday and found this. I’m their only child.
Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Me handing out gift bags at my Halloween party: don’t worry – it’s already dead
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
I’d like a simple burial. I only want to be mummified and have a tasteful pyramid placed on top of me.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia