A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
You Might Also Like
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair
To every YT creator out there
Never put text on the bottom..
Biggest mistake in my life.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.