A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
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To whoever stole my over sized clock, you owe me big time.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
The French cow says MEUX…
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Never let them know your next move 😂
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!