Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Erm I’m gonna say no

You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.

Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.

Me: I just took my contacts out.

My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.

If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend

WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.

My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere

Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2

Friend: What?

Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn

Friend: Who hurt you?

Cndnsd Mlk

I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next

I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.

my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”

the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny

My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool

If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.

[Casio headquarters, 1975]

CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.

First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?

Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.

How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?

*Arrives at the barbers*

“I’d like some highlights please”

*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*

Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.

Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits

The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize

I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days

Realize this:

A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.

I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.

How to resolve a complaint from neighbours

Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie

My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…

I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”

Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.

Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.

DRP: Muahahaha!

CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.

DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.

CR: Kreeptonite.

DRP: *weakens further*.