a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
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Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
what day is it?
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games