a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
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morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
thought i lost my wallet today but then i found it. free endorphin booster if you’re stupid enough
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
I’m so glad the internet is like this now.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Grew big
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir