a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
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*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.
It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Boyfriend: hey this girl was hitting on me today!
Me: *don’t care*
Best friend: hey this other girl called me bestie
Me: *jealous rage*
Double negatives are never not confusing.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?