Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

animal planet had a show called “the most extreme” where they would do lists of animals. they did an episode on the deadliest animals. i was ten years old when i watched this episode and i cannot tell you how pissed off i was when they revealed that number one was “mosquito”.

[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”

All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.

Chefs: you eat with your eyes first

Me, eating with my mouth: oh no

Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker

My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.

Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.

Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.

“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows

Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild

at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed

how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before

I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.

*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?

Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?

Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs

[abducted aboard a UFO]

Alien: Take us to your leader

Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?

A: We’ll return you, unharmed

M: Not… not even a probe?

A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans

M: *pouting* Even if I say please?

Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.

Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏

‘Did you hear, Tim died.’

Oh no, was it serious?

BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?

ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile

I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.

What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.

WHAT DO WE WANT?

A NAP!!

THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?

[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.

With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.

chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?

Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my

do u think theres a butter planet?

so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?