A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
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My 4yo’s teacher: He’s one of my model students.
Me [aghast]: My child?
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
I wonder if new batteries in my milk frother feels to my coffee and creamer what a fully charged vibra… you know what, never mind.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
they should schedule doctor appts like
DOORS 8:15
Nurse 8:25
Doctor 8:40
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
“you look easy to draw”
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.