A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
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The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.
Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.