A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
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“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.