A Match(.com), but for socks.
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oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on