Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.

Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.

People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.

Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.

Life hack:

Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.

“just sayin” who asked you though?

I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.

The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.

Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.

Wife: don’t forget the list

Me: I won’t

[later]

Me: [calling from the grocery store]

My wife: [answering the phone, holding the list] well, well, well…

on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR

It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.

If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.

Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.

Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith

<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.

The heaviest things in the world:

4) iron

3) lead

2) tungsten

1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up

ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important

I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work

gollum: *coughs on ring*

frodo: you know what, keep it

Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*

Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too

Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby

Want to try some vegetable chips? They don’t taste as good as potato chips, but on the plus side, they’re way more expensive.

i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat

💀😭

Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.

When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.

Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs

Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh