A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
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Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
I just got an email saying ‘At Google earth we can read maps backwards!’
I thought, “That’s just spam.”
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
I’ve had my panties on inside out all morning and no one said anything!
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.