A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
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WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
You ever been talking to a genuinely stupid person and think “good for him. You know what keeps this guy up at night? Not a God damn thing”
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)