A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
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A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
I had to lay down on my bed to zip up my jeans this morning so I’m calling in thick today