a McRib killed my tapeworm
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Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
No. YOU-buprofen.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
I’m giving up for Lent.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.
ME: I really think I could win Survivor!
ME AFTER EXPERIENCING A SLIGHT BREEZE SANS JACKET: I will never go outside again.