a McRib killed my tapeworm
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-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
I’ve watched so many docuseries about cults lately, I think I would be good at it, you know, as a member. Honestly, cults look like a blast at the beginning and middle just before all the crimes start.
When ever I read an autobiography, my biggest question is always, how the fuck did you remember all that?
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
these articles are so helpful. the thing I’ve always found tricky about money is knowing how much I should have
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
15 passed his driver’s permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.