A McRib killed my tapeworm.
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*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
it’s so awesome that once a month i’m like “I HAVE to die. this feeling is 100% real and caused by the circumstances of my life” and then the next day I get my period
deleted bumble, instead i’m just going to walk into trader joe’s and look confused
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage