A McRib killed my tapeworm.
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Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Stay here and watch people argue or log out and listen to my family argue? Decisions, decisions
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Some guy in the middle of my Nosferatu screening took out his phone and googled ‘Nosferatu’
A banana just sold at an art auction for $6.2 million, so if our custodian still hasn’t thrown out that orange someone left in one of our study rooms last week, we may never have to do a capital campaign again.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
I slept like a baby, knowing I’m a burden to everyone around me
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.