A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
A man of commitment.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
