A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Finally, an explanation.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻
I just want an internship man
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test
Me: C
Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
