A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
not ‘nastiest’ but certainly one of the truest
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
