Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.

what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90

He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi

Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly

I pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food

WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*

The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.

Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.

[first day as a doorman]

me: bye, thanks for coming

sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about

Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat

127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can

[first day as a microbiologist]

me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this

boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT

ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.

CLERK: Satin?

ME: No, new please.

“Damnit!”

-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.

those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks

My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.

[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything

TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future

ME: Really? Who wins the election?

TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace

ME: You need to be more specific

If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it

Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!

The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.

[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over

Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin

I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up

Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.

An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.

I will always post cat eating corn when I see it

I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.

My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.

*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*