Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him

him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.

poor people rarely die from ski related injuries

I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.

Cop lights are so pretty at night

Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.

I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.

when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast

Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are

Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.

Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.

Me: Okay.

Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?

Me: Quick

doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go

Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident

choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb

DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!

– how I threaten my kids

Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.

ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?

NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not

ME: I’m getting to that

[During Sex]

“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”

Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.

“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”

“Sir, this is a cheese counter”

[God creating bears]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t

Me: there there. No need for ugly crying

Him: I’m not crying

*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house

Nah, I ain’t distracted.

You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.

Steam Forums

so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD

This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?

My diet plan consists of multiple naps.

Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.

in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents

Why you should stop “liking” posts on Twitter…

3. Boring
2. Weak
1. They’re now invisible

Why you should start replying with “this pleases me” instead…

3. Enigmatic
2. Suggests people should curry your favour
1. It’s what Alan Rickman would’ve done