Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.

*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL

Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.

me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*

her: I said it’s *petrified* wood

me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me

I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.

Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.

her: i like a guy that can last long 😉

me, a piece of flavored gum: shit

After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.

I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.

my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid

*Sucks spider up in vacuum*

*panics*

*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*

The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”

You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.

I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.

“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch

“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?

Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?

Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?

we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool

Her: You should meditate.

Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.

[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”

[My son’s 1st day of school]

ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast

TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now

[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away

Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”

I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.

That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.

[first day on wind farm]

me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze

“Have you tried drinking more water?”

is the new

“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”

of health advice.

I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.

a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?

2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.