A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
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There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
Rt to bother an English speaker
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Ice skating is like walking in cursive