A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
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Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
shut up and take my money
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Awesome parenting 😂
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.