Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just locked eyes with a spider.

But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.

My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.

When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out

I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.

“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.

Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet

Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym

Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.

Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —

Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!

God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones

Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?

God: eh you’ll figure it out

My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often

partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard

me: yep

partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire

me: that’s right

partygoer: where did you two meet

me: tall chair store

WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?

ME: [current world hula champion] You can try

[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]

Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t

Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry mat

Yes, it’s another four mat tweet.

The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.

*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*

If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.

*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*

Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”

Me: *Eating eggs*

Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting

I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.

If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:

Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.

I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.

me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat

mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]

me: so really i did you guys a favor

Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭

pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian

Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”

I love Sunday nights because that’s the night I ask my kids if they have any homework that needs to get done & always get a resounding “NO!”

And then someone will be asking for printer paper at 11pm.

Them: life is so unfair sometimes

Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is

Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.