*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Jus’ sayin. 😐
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
