[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
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Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
How wrong was this guy?
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.