Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in

I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.

drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”

YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???

My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…

This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.

We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.

Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.

Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”

5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”

Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”

5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”

In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot

The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.

My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.

I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂

congratulations to them

The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?

A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??

Imguana see myself out

I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”

ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt

ME: thanks i worked really hard on it

Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes

FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die

Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess

The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff

Honey I made you some hotdog water

I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)

Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”

Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.

[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.

Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work

ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast

The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.

[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please

[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles