Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.

Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.

The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.

Do kids eat more under quarantine?

Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.

I bet i could still be a stuntman

[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]

Okay maybe not

If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.

mood

Had sex with a dude and he started sending me really bad original music he had clearly written about me. I’m a terrible muse.

Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you

Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese

Girlfriend: Yes probably more

My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.

It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.

My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse

It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.

[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?

I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear

Me: I really need to save money

Also me:

Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill

[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat

when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.

banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball

I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”

“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event

*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK

*later, flinging holy water*

ME: GET OUT GHOSTS

[doing crossword]

Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: never

Me: pistol; three letters
Wife: gun

Me: disgust; three letters
Wife: ugh

Me: charity; four letters
Wife: give

Me: female sheep; three letters
Wife: ewe

Me: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up

[date]

Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?

Him: No interest, before my time.

Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*

Him: What’re you doing?

[first date]

Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.

Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.

I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.

Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”

You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago

My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.