A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
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Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
A woman at the grocery store, who upon seeing my daughter’s blue eyes asked where she got them from, looked at both me and my husband, and then actually said out loud “did the milk man visit your mom?” What the actual fuck lady.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay