A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
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This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
My wife bought me a hollowed out dictionary to use as a piggy bank. I never use it. I love spending money so much, I can’t put it into words.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL