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McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
I’m not climbing a hill if I’m dying. That sounds terrible. I’ll die on this chair. Drinking orange Fanta.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
A list of fun place names to ask an American to say:
-Worcestershire
-Leicestershire
-Gloucester
-Edinburgh
-Loughborough
-Southwark
-Marylebone
-Reading
-Cholmondeley
-Towcester
-Berwick
-Cirencester
-Salisbury
-High Wycombe
-Chiswick
-Leominster
-Ruislip
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*