Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.

My love language is Latin. It’s dead.

Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks

Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillow

Him:
Pillow

Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.

Me in the summer: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s sunny and beautiful outside

Me in the winter: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s snowy and cold outside

Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)

Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine

Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?

My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.

[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house

I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.

Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church

If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??

You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.

It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.

I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake

Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…

Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.

closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad

There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.

Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.

Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.

I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal

As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.

Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?

On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.

Hubs: I’ll carry you!

6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!

Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!

6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.

You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?

Don’t touch my fries.