A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
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New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Do they award purple hearts for injuries playing* laser tag?
Asking for a friend.
* Dropping the gun on your foot while putting on your vest.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Breaking news:
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
[on my deathbed]
“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”
*dies*
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken