Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops

The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise

Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.

I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”

What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.

[Therapy]

Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”

Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”

So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?

ME: Getting out of corn mazes.

INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?

ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.

INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?

ME: Guess this is my time to shine.

don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.

Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.

Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.

Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.

Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.

[first date]

OK don’t let her know you’re a snail

Waiter: Would you like some salt?

[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]

Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?

I feel that way about far too many people.

We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.

[boss’s office]

I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?

“No, sir”

I like your style, Murray.

You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek

Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.

Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!

I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.

“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something

As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose

having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex

Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.

if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am

Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”

me: father’s day means so much to us single dads

wife: uhhh…we’re married

me: right, but I’m the only dad

I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.

The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…

My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.