A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
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The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Teslas don’t have “New Car” smell…
They have an Elon Musk.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.