A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
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My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”