Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.

Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too

So many village idiots. So few dragons.

“now i’ve seen everything” no you haven’t. have you seen a frog drive a submarine? shut up

Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.

Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”

Me: “Hell yes!”

Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”

There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.

My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.

Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.

I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.

dictator is short for richard potato

Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.

I know that now.

[at bar]

Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse

*nearby horse slams down his whisky*

COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY

*horse throws the 1st punch*

Botany good plants lately?

Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.

Me: Don’t push me.

Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?

Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.

I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long

A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”

the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this

What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression

Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.

DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.

I put the dance in “Good riddance!”

Boss: I had a dream about you last night.

Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?

TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.

[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]

Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.

Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.

I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.

7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kids

Kids are such fast learners these days