A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
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[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Basically.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.