Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle

HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.

PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.

HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.

PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.

love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.

So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?

I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy

pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet

guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*

My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.

I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.

My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.

How I flirt with my husband:

I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk

Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.

I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.

Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!

Date: 🙂

Fig: 🙁

Prune: bro, lol

I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.

Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.

Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”

You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.

Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.

BREAKING NEWS

Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”

THIS JUST IN

…Apparently I’m God.

Wait.

Did we ever figure out what it means when you match with your therapist on Tinder?

Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…

I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch

me: i hate my job

gf: why don’t you try living off the land

me: like in the sky?

gf: what

me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long

At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”

She gets it..

Hot tip for dog owners:

Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER

“I am a gift to this earth.”

[Earth regifts me]

“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”

So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.

When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.

Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!

I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*

Surgeon: You should be asleep.

We’re intellectual opposites.

You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.