A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
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A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
If I close my eyes and nod while eating the food you made, it was good.
If you see me eating like a raccoon, it is absolutely amazing.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow