A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
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me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
my friends: we are having babies, also we just got engaged, also we’ve just bought a house
me: a man with a history of not texting me back has liked an Instagram story, do we think this means something
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits