A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
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I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.