A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
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*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]