Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.

Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold

Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs

[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started

[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix

A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.

Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?

“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.

[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.

Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍

Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.

There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.

If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing

MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol

[first date]

Boy: so where are you from?

Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.

Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.

*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”

“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”

The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer

Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books

“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”

I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.

The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving

this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning

[creation of bats]

God: stretch out that mouse

Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃

Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name

Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.

I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”

*gets off on a technicality

Technicality: Perv.

{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.

I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.