A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
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I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing