Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.

me: what’s the weather today

weatherman: party sunny

me: and tomorrow?

weatherman: partly cloudy

me: what’s the difference

weatherman:

me:

weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much

[a red dot appears on my forehead]

[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR

Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer

Friend: Arsenal?

Me: No, just the front

“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.

A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺

DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:

hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?

me: hell yeah

girl: how about your address?

me: oh for sure, come by

girl: and your mother’s maiden name?

me: wait what

Me: What are you doing?!

5-year-old: Hugging my sister.

Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.

5:

Me:

5: The good ones do.

Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.

CEO: Dang it. That means-

Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.

‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.

Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.

Pigeon open mic night.

When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.

Canadian winters be like:

Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.

Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago

“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.

Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.

I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.

~Late night couch potato dilemma

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.

Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.

I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.

[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!

we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive

Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.

i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice

[going to the moon]

Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!

Me: oh no

Co-astronaut: what

Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket