Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.

It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.

ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*

I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.

I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.

me: excuse me, my chicken is cold

waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here

There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.

I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation

My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.

… and dates.

wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!

I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.

Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”

I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.

No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.

I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.

COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.

I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.

You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.

Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.

Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?

I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog

Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.

it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.

‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’

Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?

My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.

Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you

me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you

It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.