Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:

today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence

Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.

The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”

“Girl, same.”

– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.

Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.

“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.

Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No

I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago

There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.

Hands: Hold my beer.

Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?

most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english

the girlies are turning into genghis khan

Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?

My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.

Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.

I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.

It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.

It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime

I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.

[text from wife]
I want a divorce

Me: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!!

[…typing]
Haha, April fools

I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown

If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.

Why is my purse so heavy?

*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit

There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.

Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.

I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.

Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.

Horrifying if literal: foot locker

TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?

Me: Just one.

TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?

Me: B-E-Z-O-S